Today we're doing a Query Critique for Sheri's manuscript, Marked Beauty. First we'll show the original query and then our critiques/edits. Hopefully this will help in your quest for the perfect query, and feel free to share your thoughts and edits in the comments below!
Original Query:
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for MARKED BEAUTY, a paranormal romance for young adults complete at 85,000 words. I see from your website that you are interested in fresh, new authors with a strong work ethic and hook. I feel the unique world-building in this story will interest you.
16 Year Old Ana Tate is a tenacious tomboy, yet her harrowing blue eyes hold pain and isolating secrets. She’s a strong empath, forced to feel the emotions of others…all emotions except her own. And with living in the shadow of her mother’s abandonment and her firefighter father’s depression, keeping her feelings buried is fine with her.
That is until the yuppie Viktor Castle enters her world. His haughty stares taunt her, hinting he knows about her hidden talent. He ignites her personal pain, and yet he’s nothing but a blank emotional canvas. And worse, she develops an odd attraction to him that she can’t fend off. The closer they become, the more distant he seems, and the stronger her empath grows pushing her to look at herself. But all is not as it seems.
When Viktor’s freakish, self-proclaimed girlfriend takes a creepy interest in Ana, and he disappears, Ana finds herself the center of a hidden world where lycans and countless immortal species roam as she’s entwined in an ancient curse that hungers for her gift, her life…and her sanity. Ana must embrace her abilities, let herself feel for the first time admitting she cares for Viktor, and uncover the truth of why they need each other before he sacrifices himself to the curse in her place.
Spiced with the allure of Pride and Prejudice, and Phantom of the Opera, this story should appeal to fans of Ellen Schreiber and Annette Curtis Klause as love washes away stubborn pride and fears beyond the realms of an invisible world and a feisty girl who swore she’d never fall in love.
I am a member of SCBWI, the Maine Writers & Publishers Alliance, and YAlitchat.
I have included my first five pages as requested. The manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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