Whoseywhatsit Thursday: Our Critiques

Two weeks ago, Natasha Hawkins volunteered to have some of the Oasis Ladies critique her query. 

Here is the original query:

IGNITE

by Natasha Hawkins

Query:

An eyewitness to her grandmother’s death and pursued by the two suspected murderers until she’s forced to jump thirty feet off a pier isn’t how Alison Summers planned to celebrate her seventeenth birthday, but nothing seems to be going according to plan lately.

Including, earning herself a full-fledged membership into WitWatch—a top-secret and experimental branch of the Witness Protection Program—operated by agents with supernatural abilities.

Now Ali must trust William Reed, a charismatic fire-wielding Watcher with a classified past, in order to expose the killers. Only Will is more concerned with protecting Ali from the consequences if that happens. After an attack, Ali’s protector mysteriously disappears, and a rebel-sect of Watchers seeking retaliation for their discharge from WitWatch is suspected. Determined to save Will, Ali flees her recent stay at the Safe House and teams up with a brooding British agent.  On the run, she discovers an inherited power from a family member that may help locate Will and reveal a link to who killed her gram. But, once the leader of the rebel Watchers learns Ali possesses Will’s matching element, Water, she may never get that chance.   

Think Fantastic Four meets ANGELS AND DEMONS for young adults. IGNITE is a 72,000 word YA contemporary paranormal novel with romantic and suspenseful twists that will appeal to readers who enjoyed the supernatural intrigue of  Kelly Armstrong’s DARKEST POWERS trilogy.

And a summary of our thoughts:

IGNITE

by Natasha Hawkins

Query:

An eyewitness to her grandmother’s death and pursued by the two suspected murderers until she’s forced to jump thirty feet off a pier isn’t how Alison Summers planned to celebrate her seventeenth birthday, but nothing seems to be going according to plan lately. [Too much information in this opening.  Simplify and break this up a bit.]

Including, earning herself a full-fledged [did she have a half membership before?] membership into WitWatch—a top-secret and experimental branch of the Witness Protection Program—operated by agents with supernatural abilities. [How about (moving this up so it’s in the same paragraph as the first): Especially finding herself stuck in WitWatch ...]

Now Ali must trust William Reed, a charismatic fire-wielding Watcher with a classified past, in order to expose the killers. [What killers? Was her grandmother murdered? Then say that in the opening. Much more emotional impact] Only Will is more concerned with protecting Ali from the consequences if that happens. [What are the consequences? And why does it sound bad that he's more concerned with that?]   After an attack [from a rebel sect of Watchers], Ali’s protector mysteriously disappears, and a rebel-sect of Watchers seeking retaliation for their discharge from WitWatch is suspected. Determined to save Will, Ali flees her recent stay at the Safe House and teams up with a brooding British agent. [do we have a love triangle here? if not, perhaps not mention him at all] On the run, she discovers an inherited power from a family member that may help locate Will and reveal a link to who killed her gram. But, once the leader of the rebel Watchers learns Ali possesses Will’s matching element, Water, she may never get that chance. [to test her powers - or something a little more specific] 

Think Fantastic Four meets ANGELS AND DEMONS for young adults. IGNITE is a 72,000 word YA contemporary paranormal novel with romantic and suspenseful twists that will appeal to readers who enjoyed the supernatural intrigue of  Kelly Armstrong’s DARKEST POWERS trilogy. [Use Fantastic Four meets ANGELS AND DEMONS or DARKEST POWERS.  You don't need both.]

 

Be sure to conclude by thanking the agent for her time.  Also, do you have anything to say about yourself?  Are you an English major, do you teach teens, are a member of SCBWI?  One line to give a little flavor of who you is good too. 

I like the premise of the novel and feel it's definitely high concept. I just worry that I'm getting too much of the action and not enough of what's truly at stake (Will's life?)  It also feels very clinical and I'm not seeing any voice of the character, which makes me worry the manuscript itself is going to be very cut and dry.  I'm sure it's not, so try to throw a few Alison-isms in here!

What do you think?  Did we miss anything?  Tell us in the comments!