Thursday, September 27, 2012

Whoseywhatsit Thursday: Our Critiques

Two weeks ago, Natasha Hawkins volunteered to have some of the Oasis Ladies critique her query. 

Here is the original query:



IGNITE
by Natasha Hawkins

Query:

An eyewitness to her grandmother’s death and pursued by the two suspected murderers until she’s forced to jump thirty feet off a pier isn’t how Alison Summers planned to celebrate her seventeenth birthday, but nothing seems to be going according to plan lately.

Including, earning herself a full-fledged membership into WitWatch—a top-secret and experimental branch of the Witness Protection Program—operated by agents with supernatural abilities.

Now Ali must trust William Reed, a charismatic fire-wielding Watcher with a classified past, in order to expose the killers. Only Will is more concerned with protecting Ali from the consequences if that happens. After an attack, Ali’s protector mysteriously disappears, and a rebel-sect of Watchers seeking retaliation for their discharge from WitWatch is suspected. Determined to save Will, Ali flees her recent stay at the Safe House and teams up with a brooding British agent.  On the run, she discovers an inherited power from a family member that may help locate Will and reveal a link to who killed her gram. But, once the leader of the rebel Watchers learns Ali possesses Will’s matching element, Water, she may never get that chance.   

Think Fantastic Four meets ANGELS AND DEMONS for young adults. IGNITE is a 72,000 word YA contemporary paranormal novel with romantic and suspenseful twists that will appeal to readers who enjoyed the supernatural intrigue of  Kelly Armstrong’s DARKEST POWERS trilogy.

And a summary of our thoughts:



IGNITE
by Natasha Hawkins

Query:

An eyewitness to her grandmother’s death and pursued by the two suspected murderers until she’s forced to jump thirty feet off a pier isn’t how Alison Summers planned to celebrate her seventeenth birthday, but nothing seems to be going according to plan lately. [Too much information in this opening.  Simplify and break this up a bit.]


Including, earning herself a full-fledged [did she have a half membership before?] membership into WitWatch—a top-secret and experimental branch of the Witness Protection Program—operated by agents with supernatural abilities. [How about (moving this up so it’s in the same paragraph as the first): Especially finding herself stuck in WitWatch ...]

Now Ali must trust William Reed, a charismatic fire-wielding Watcher with a classified past, in order to expose the killers. [What killers? Was her grandmother murdered? Then say that in the opening. Much more emotional impact] Only Will is more concerned with protecting Ali from the consequences if that happens. [What are the consequences? And why does it sound bad that he's more concerned with that?]   After an attack [from a rebel sect of Watchers], Ali’s protector mysteriously disappears, and a rebel-sect of Watchers seeking retaliation for their discharge from WitWatch is suspected. Determined to save Will, Ali flees her recent stay at the Safe House and teams up with a brooding British agent. [do we have a love triangle here? if not, perhaps not mention him at all] On the run, she discovers an inherited power from a family member that may help locate Will and reveal a link to who killed her gram. But, once the leader of the rebel Watchers learns Ali possesses Will’s matching element, Water, she may never get that chance. [to test her powers - or something a little more specific] 


Think Fantastic Four meets ANGELS AND DEMONS for young adults. IGNITE is a 72,000 word YA contemporary paranormal novel with romantic and suspenseful twists that will appeal to readers who enjoyed the supernatural intrigue of  Kelly Armstrong’s DARKEST POWERS trilogy. [Use Fantastic Four meets ANGELS AND DEMONS or DARKEST POWERS.  You don't need both.]
 

Be sure to conclude by thanking the agent for her time.  Also, do you have anything to say about yourself?  Are you an English major, do you teach teens, are a member of SCBWI?  One line to give a little flavor of who you is good too. 



I like the premise of the novel and feel it's definitely high concept. I just worry that I'm getting too much of the action and not enough of what's truly at stake (Will's life?)  It also feels very clinical and I'm not seeing any voice of the character, which makes me worry the manuscript itself is going to be very cut and dry.  I'm sure it's not, so try to throw a few Alison-isms in here!


What do you think?  Did we miss anything?  Tell us in the comments!

4 comments:

  1. Thanks Oasis ladies! I appreciate the feedback tremendously. =)

    I agree that the first sentence (paragraph) is too long. I have since shortened it and also combined the 1st and 2nd paragraphs together, as suggested. (Good idea...not sure why I had them separated, except maybe to have the first sentence be a hook, and so I had it stand alone...but it shouldn't.)

    Also, I know I need to put Ali's voice into the query, but I struggle with trying to be concise and not have "wordy" language...and so the query comes off clinical. (I'm working on this one!)

    The consequences weren't very clear in my query and as I narrow them down to what is most important I will definitely add specifics into the last paragraph. (Thanks for bringing that to my attention...that's another area I knew needed work.)

    Normally, I do add something about myself, qualifications, memberships etc in the query. I just didn't think to add it to this critique.

    To answer a few questions:

    Yes, Ali's grandma was murdered...and she witnessed it. (So she thinks...we may have an unreliable narrator here.)

    Yes, we have a love triangle. They might be overdone, but I LOVE me a good love triangle. At any rate, I wasn't sure how to incorporate it except to "imply" it.

    No, Ali didn't have a "membership" in WitWatch before...this is all new to her. I removed "full-fledged" to eliminate the confusion.

    Thanks SO much for taking the time to critique my query. I'm excited to keep working on it! You ladies rock!

    Natasha

    ReplyDelete
  2. Here is the revised query based on the feedback I received. I hope it is better!! =)

    Competitive swimmer Alison Summers wants nothing more than to be back home in Nevada celebrating her seventeenth birthday at the pool with her two best friends. Instead, she witnesses her grandmother’s murder and winds up running from the killers. But no one, including her family, believes Ali’s story once the autopsy determines the cause of death is cancer and she’s branded with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Except WitWatch—a top-secret and experimental branch of the Witness Protection Program—operated by agents with supernatural abilities.

    To expose the killers and prove she isn’t crazy, Ali must trust a fire-wielding Watcher with a classified past. Only Agent William Reed is keeping deeper secrets: like his ability to put thoughts in other minds. Following an attack by a discharged sect of Watchers, Ali’s protector mysteriously disappears leaving her doubting his alliance. Out of the Safe House, Ali learns she possesses Will’s matching element, Water, and her ability helps locate him revealing a link to who killed her Gram. But when a rouge Watcher obtains an antibody to eliminate supernatural powers, she becomes next on his to-cure list. And Ali is forced to decide if the world is better off with or without her kind.

    IGNITE is a 72,000 word YA paranormal novel with romantic and suspenseful twists that will appeal to readers who enjoyed Kelly Armstrong’s DARKEST POWERS trilogy.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks, Larissa!

    You four ladies helped A LOT!!

    ReplyDelete

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