Whoseywhatsit Thursday~Critiques Up 4 Grabs!!

Life can be funny sometimes. And confusing and hard and playful and sad and frustrating and, and, and.... So can the process of writing stories. Writers put so much of who they are into their work, it's inevitable that the gamut of possible emotions and motivations get involved.

CREDIT FOR PHOTO

So today, I'm offering a little peace of mind to our writer friends and loyal followers. Leave a comment, get your friends to leave a comment, and include either the first 100 words of your current WIP or logline no longer than two sentences. One or more of your Oasis staff will respond over the next few days in the comments with a critique!!

Sharing this offer would be so cool of you! *WINK*

TAGLINE Critique ... now!

It's the first Thursday of December and we've decided to offer up some tagline - a/k/a log line - critiques.  Do you have yours all polished and ready?  'Cause we're ready to help your tag lines really soar.

Photo by ismellsheep in WANA Commons

Leave your one-sentence tag line in the comments and we'll drop in through the day to leave you some feedback.  We can't wait to see what you've got for us!

Need more examples?  Here are a few:

Just before the outbreak of World War II, an adventuring archaeologist named Indiana Jones races around the globe to single-handedly prevent the Nazis from turning the greatest archaeological relic of all time into a weapon of world conquest.                                                                                                                                (Raiders of the Lost Ark)

A young man and woman from different social classes fall in love aboard an ill-fated voyage at sea. (Titanic)

Having been recently dumped for the nineteenth time by a girl named Katherine, recent high school graduate and former child prodigy Colin sets off on a road trip with his best friend to try to find some new direction in his life.

(An Abundance of Katherines)

Alright, now share yours!  Go!

Whoseywhatsit Thursday: Crit Style

It's that time again!  Comment with your email address to be entered to win a 500-word critique from all six Oasis Sisters, including A.E. Rought who announced her debut YA book deal yesterday!

We'll randomly choose a winner next Thursday, and post our critiques the following Thursday.

Thanks for entering, and HAPPY THURSDAY!

Critiquing the Query

Critiquing the query.  Sort of sounds like "romancing the stone."  And yes, that's a pretty random comparison, but it IS Whoseywhatsit Thursday after all.  If I can't be random today, then pretty much all randomness has got to be out.

* Note: I have never actually seen this movie *

Today, a brave soul who shall not remain nameless (ahem, Jennifer Hartsock) has shared her query with the "Oasis Sisters" (as we like to refer to ourselves) and we are offering up our feedback. We had LOTS more feedback to offer Jennifer and we sent ALL of our comments to her.  (If you win one of our crit contests, we'll do the same for you too.)  But, in the interest of blog space (and reader fatigue), we're posting a more condensed version of our critiques -- just to give you a flavor.  Our comments all appear in red.

If you have any other thoughts to add, I'm sure Jennifer would love to hear them.  What did you think?  Do our suggestions work?  Or are we off-base?

ORIGINAL QUERY:

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

I’m seeking representation for my 62,000 word YA novel, Battleground, which portrays the real and sometimes harsh realities of growing up in today’s society.

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God, until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. Lilly is determined to reform him, but doesn’t expect to fall in love. Parker unveils kinks in her faith, but as their relationship grows, he is unexpectedly influenced by her kind heart. When Parker is arrested for possession and sent to a boarding school, Lilly loses faith, and now, she can’t figure out where she stands with God. Is Parker’s fate in his own hands, or bound to his own conflicted destiny? When Parker is released early, he seems to slip further into the arms of trouble. Now, Lilly must decide where her faith truly lies; in intriguing though destructive relationship, or rediscovering faith, love and identity for herself.

I received first place for the Elli Writes Monthly Writing Contest in August of 2011. While earning my B.A. in English and minor in business, I work as an English tutor for the community college, as well as opinion editor of the college’s weekly student newspaper, The Commuter. I offer critique and editorial services, and have edited fiction and short stories for publication. I am a member of the non-profit organization YALITCHAT, and maintain a writer’s blog.

Thank you for considering Battleground to add to your list of books.

Sincerely,

Jennifer M. Hartsock

JESSICA’S CRITIQUE (Jess had the most to say, so I'm starting with her - the rest of our critiques are condensed.)

Hi Jennifer!  Thanks for sharing your query with us for critique. My comments will be in red. 

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

I’m seeking representation for my 62,000 word YA novel, Battleground, which portrays the real and sometimes harsh realities of growing up in today’s society.  Starting off with this is fine, I know my agent prefers to have this sentence first, but bare in mind that some prefer for this sentence to be below the synopsis.  Also, I think you should be a bit more revealing on your genre here. It’s YA and it sounds like a contemporary romance from this sentence, but when you read further it seems very much an Inspirational read. Also, I'd really like to see more about what makes this story unique.  Realities of growing up is very broad.  How about mentioning what sets it apart?  In your case, I'd say the religious explorations of the main character. Since that is such a specialized genre and not everyone can sell to that market you’ll want to state that up front and probably target only agents/publishers that work and have contacts in that genre. And that leads to this would be a great place to put the specific personal reason(s) you queried this agent.

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God, until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. I haven’t read your story, so I don’t what your voice sounds like, which could be a problem for you when you query because some agents only want the query, which means the voice has to come through in the query. This also sounds a bit “textbook” instead of hooky. Some questions to consider: How would Lilly tell a story about herself?  Where's the voice?  Can you think of someway to pep this up? Lilly is determined to reform him, but doesn’t expect to fall in love. Parker unveils kinks in her faith, but as their relationship grows, he is unexpectedly influenced by her kind heart. When Parker is arrested for possession and sent to a boarding school, Lilly loses faith, and now, she can’t figure out where she stands with God. Is Parker’s fate in his own hands, or bound to his own conflicted destiny? When Parker is released early, he seems to slip further into the arms of trouble. Now, Lilly must decide where her faith truly lies; in intriguing though destructive relationship, or rediscovering faith, love and identity for herself.

You’ve definitely done a great job of synopsizing (is that a word? LOL) the story, but it’s missing that “wow factor.”  And I don’t know what’s at stake for Lilly.  I don’t feel like I care enough about what’s happening to want to read the story. So basically I want to know What's at risk for Lilly?  I understand 

she's exploring her relationship with God, and that until now it’s never been an issue of what it is, but that's more of a theme than a plot.  At the end of this paragraph, I want to know what's at risk for her.  If she chooses Parker, will she become self-destructive as well? If she chooses God, does she lose Parker? Also, I kinda wonder why she can’t have both. What kinks does Parker share with her, that would make her question her faith and also why can’t she be with him if she believes in God?

Something to consider when thinking about this is something my CP said to me:  “The stakes in a romance don't have to be the fate of the world, but

there needs to be something to lose or no one will invest in the outcome.”

I received first place for the Elli Writes Monthly Writing Contest in August of 2011. While earning my B.A. in English and minor in business, I work as an English tutor for the community college, as well as opinion editor of the college’s weekly student newspaper, The Commuter. I offer critique and editorial services, and have edited fiction and short stories for publication. I am a member of the non-profit organization YALITCHAT, and maintain a writer’s blog.

Thank you for considering Battleground to add to your list of books.

And now onto the credit section… Not all of these are going to be something an agent is going to care about and since their time is very limited we need to make this as succinct and simple as possible.  If this were my bio paragraph, it would read something like this:

“I am currently pursuing a B.A. in English at fill-in-the-blank college, where I also serve as the opinion editor of the student newspaper.  I am an active member of YALITCHAT.  (This may or may not be considered a credit depending on the agent. Just as an FYI.)

I look forward to hearing from you.”

Don't be ashamed of not having credits.  I didn’t when I found my agent and it didn’t matter one way or the other. Everyone has to start somewhere

ANN’S CRITIQUE

I’m seeking representation for my 62,000 word YA novel, Battleground, which portrays the real and sometimes harsh realities of growing up in today’s society. (Well worded, but doesn't really say anything about the STORY, just the concept. This sentence needs to be a hook to get the agent to want to read more. I recommend trying to employ some form of Nathan Bransford's Pitch Formula, which is:The OPENING CONFLICT happens to the MAIN CHARACTER, they have to OVERCOME THE CONFLICT to COMPLETE THE QUEST. )

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God, until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. (I'm not familiar with religious contemporary stories, but this feels...dry to me. I know a novel is difficult to boil down to a paragraph, but you have to make it intriguing enough to maintain interest.) Lilly is determined to reform him, but doesn’t expect to fall in love. Parker unveils kinks in her faith (how does he do this?), but as their relationship grows, he is unexpectedly influenced by her kind heart. When Parker is arrested for possession and sent to a boarding school, Lilly loses faith (why does she?), and now, she can’t figure out where she stands with God. Is Parker’s fate in his own hands, or bound to his own conflicted destiny? When Parker is released early, he seems to slip further into the arms of trouble. Now, Lilly must decide where her faith truly lies; in an intriguing though destructive relationship, or rediscovering faith, love and identity for herself. (I feel like I've only gotten bare bones, and NOT what would cause a girl of such faith to lose it. I suggest amping that angle up for the needed intrigue.)

NIKKI’S CRITIQUE

Overall thoughts:

* For some reason this query felt very clinical to me. There wasn't any kind of voice for the characters. I realize it's religious in nature, but it almost seems like the book would be very "preachy" based on the query.

* If I understand the premise ... good girl meets bad boy and wants to convert him. Bad boy breaks holes in good girl's staunch "good" beliefs. Bad boy gets in trouble. Good girl must face whether she truly is good.  If so, it seems a very overdone premise.  Which is fine, but you have to make sure yours is unique enough. What makes your book original?  That's what you'll want to showcase in your query.  Are there paranormal elements?  Is there an amazing voice (if so, show it)?  Show what differentiates your novel from others out there.

JESSIE’S CRITIQUE:

I’m seeking representation for my 62,000 word YA novel, Battleground, which portrays the real and sometimes harsh realities of growing up in today’s society. [Two things. 1 - I’m not sure this description does your storyline justice. 2 - maybe just a personal preference, but I prefer to see this summary paragraph btwn the detailed description and your credentials. provides a natural transition/break, IMO]

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God, until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. Lilly is determined to reform him, but doesn’t expect to fall in love. Parker unveils kinks in her faith, but as their relationship grows, he is unexpectedly influenced by her kind heart. [does this mean he is drawn to  her faith, or just softens up around the edges? a little vague]  

[suggest paragraph break here]

LARISSA’S CRITIQUE

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God, until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. Lilly is determined to reform him [why? Does she feel a connection to him, feel it’s her job as a Christian, does the Holy Spirit move her, ?], but doesn’t expect to fall in love [This may come a bit too soon.  Maybe just “doesn’t expect to discover feelings for him” or something like that?]. Parker unveils kinks in her faith, but as their relationship grows, he is unexpectedly influenced by her kind heart. [I’m wondering about the juxtaposition of the sentences here.  Parker is influenced by her kind heart, but in the next sentence he’s getting arrested for possession… I don’t know.  It may be okay, but think about separating them.] When Parker is arrested for possession and sent to a boarding school, [military school?  Juvie? Boarding school sounds too luxe.] Lilly loses faith, and now, she [cut “now, she”] can’t figure out where she stands with God. Is Parker’s fate in his own hands, or bound to his own conflicted destiny? [This confuses me a bit. Can you reword this?  Also, I get that a boyfriend moving away is devastating, but I wonder about Lilly as a character if this makes her question her faith.  Especially when Parker actually did something wrong.] When Parker is released early, he seems to [cut “seems to”] slip further into the arms of trouble. Now, Lilly must decide where her faith truly lies; in [an] intriguing though destructive relationship, or rediscovering faith, love and identity [maybe reverse love and identity so that we understand it is love for herself she is rediscovering] for herself.

SHERI’S CRITIQUE

I’m seeking representation for my 62,000 word YA novel, Battleground, which portrays the real and sometimes harsh realities of growing up in today’s society. I know some agents like this info up front, while others prefer to dive into your story. Just do your research before sending to individual agents.

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God. That is until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. 

Whoseywhatsit Thursday: CRITIQUES

Sorry I'm behind the 8-ball, y'all. We had an evening run to the ER last night and it totally threw me off my do-it-the-night-before groove.

Now, we're still playing with this format, so let us know if you'd like to see changes!

ORIGINAL SAMPLE AS CHOSEN BY RANDOM.ORG:

a YA Gothic thriller told from five perspectives.

Title: The Curse of Elizabeth Brewster, by Julie Kingsley

Pitch: Banished to Pemberton Academy in Western Massachusetts, Eli quickly finds herself embroiled in a four hundred year old love triangle that leads her to lost secrets about America's earliest beginnings - turns out those Puritans were not so pure-can she survive it?

First 250:

The view from Headmaster Proctor’s personal office was obstructed by a gnarled apple tree and thick ivy that grew up the brick walls outside weaving its way from one thing to the next. He pushed open the old paned window and smelled the sharp scent of the crabapples rotting in the sun. As always, he reached out to grab a fistful of ivy and flung it to the ground. A part of him was scared that it was going to suffocate him at night- that damn ivy.

He took a deep breath. “They’ve been chosen,” he said to himself. He flung around to face his sanctuary. Here, surrounded by tall bookcases full of classical tales with thick covers and pages that smelled faintly of must he was home. He slammed the window shut and reached over to crank up his air conditioner. He hated autumn, yearning for the darkness of winter. With a practiced hand he filled his teapot from the kettle, watching as the steam swirled through the air like magic. He warmed his pot and poured the used water down the drain before adding more water and his Earl Grey tea to the prized pot with the Pemberton Academy crest on its belly.

He put his timer on exactly six minutes and waited. His mind wandered to his boyhood. Back then, he recalled sitting at his window peering out into the night and seeing four girls flying across the Green, heads thrown back in laughter, racing toward the woods.

NIKKI'S CRITIQUE:

I liked this overall, there are some distinct "senses" that we get, but I still didn't feel attached to the character. I don't know anything about him... which is fine if we switch POVs pretty quickly. Especially with this being YA.

The view from Headmaster Proctor’s personal office was obstructed by a gnarled apple tree and thick ivy that grew up the brick walls outside weaving its way from one thing to the next [this sentence was really long for an opening, considering splitting into two!]. He pushed open the old paned window and smelled [don't tell us he's smelling it, instead say that the sharp scent made his lips pucker or seared his throat or something ... ]the sharp scent of the crabapples rotting in the sun. As always, he reached out to grab a fistful of ivy and flung it to the ground. A part of him was scared that it was going to suffocate him at night- that damn ivy [two "was"s in this sentence ... too passive].

He took a deep breath. “They’ve been chosen,” he said to himself. He flung [usually you fling something. did he spin around? fling his arms?] around to face his sanctuary. Here, surrounded by tall bookcases full of classical tales with thick covers and pages that smelled faintly of must[missing a comma] he was home. He slammed the window shut and reached over to crank up his air conditioner. He hated autumn, yearning for the darkness of winter. With a practiced hand he filled his teapot from the kettle, watching as the steam swirled through the air like magic. He warmed his pot and poured the used water down the drain before adding more water and his Earl Grey tea to the prized pot with the Pemberton Academy crest on its belly.

He put his timer on exactly six minutes and waited. His mind wandered to his boyhood. Back then, he recalled sitting at his window peering out into the night and seeing four girls flying across the Green, heads thrown back in laughter, racing toward the woods. [is this memory important? if not, keep us in the present and get us quicker to the action!]

ANN'S CRITIQUE:

Pitch: Banished to Pemberton Academy in Western Massachusetts, Eli quickly finds herself embroiled in a four hundred year old love triangle that leads her to lost secrets about America's earliest beginnings - turns out those Puritans were not so pure-can she survive it?
{This feels disjointed to me. You go from the dramatic pitch language to trying to sound hip. I recommend dropping - turns out those Puritans were not so pure- then it would flow better and have more consistency.}

First 250:

The view from Headmaster Proctor’s personal office was obstructed by a gnarled apple tree and thick ivy that grew up the brick walls outside weaving its way from one thing to the next. {This is a long first sentence that does nothing to hook my interest as a reader. I realize you're trying to set the stage, but I really don't care what it looks like outside the office--tell me what's happening INSIDE first. I would cut half the modifiers, too. It feels heavy.}He pushed open the old paned window and smelled the sharp scent of the crabapples rotting in the sun. As always, he reached out to grab a fistful of ivy and flung it to the ground. A part of him was scared that it was going to suffocate him at night- that damn ivy. {This last bit feels tacked on. I'd cut it. I think you're going for a deep 1st POV, the more literary feel and heavy description doesn't support it. So, I recommend you settle on the more literary tone you've established.}

He took a deep breath. “They’ve been chosen,” he said to himself. {Cut the reflexive. Try 'mutter', or make the statement an internal thought.} He flung {second use of this word in as many paragraphs. Beware overusage!} around to face his sanctuary. Here, surrounded by tall bookcases full of classical tales with thick covers and pages that smelled faintly of must he was home. {heavy with description here, and I wonder if it's necessary.} He slammed the window shut and reached over to crank up his air conditioner. He hated autumn, yearning for the darkness of winter. With a practiced hand he filled his teapot from the kettle, watching as the steam swirled through the air like magic. {Already I'm noticing you have a tendency for overwriting. I realize, as a writer, we want to bring people into our world, show them the scene we see in our head, but all this description detracts from the action. Do we NEED to know he has a practicied hand at making tea?} He warmed his pot and poured the used water down the drain before adding more water and his Earl Grey tea to the prized pot with the Pemberton Academy crest on its belly.

He put his timer on exactly six minutes and waited. {I hate to harp this much but do we need to know it's exactly six minutes? Does that have a bearing on what comes in the six minutes?}His mind wandered to his boyhood. Back then, he recalled sitting at his window peering out into the night and seeing four girls flying across the Green, heads thrown back in laughter, racing toward the woods.

Julie, I think you have a great concept, from the pitch line, but having been edited to death for over use of modifiers in my day, I see you are falling into the same trap. Readers don't need the scene in such detail. Feed them bits here and there to enhance your characters thoughts and actions. It will create a tighter, heightened scene and story. Also, I'm don't think this is the right start for your YA story. YA is by nature, teen-centric and starting with a Headmaster is not.

JESSICA'S CRITIQUE:

[Proposed restructuring of first sentence: A gnarled apple tree obstructed the view from Headmaster Proctor’s personal office. Thick ivy grew] up the brick walls outside, weaving its way from one thing to the next. [Change ‘He’ to Headmaster Proctor] pushed open the old paned window and smelled the sharp scent of [cut ‘the’] crabapples rotting in the sun. As always, he reached out to grab a fistful of ivy and flung it to the ground. A part of him was scared it was going to suffocate him at night- that damn ivy.

He took a deep breath. “They’ve been chosen,” he said [cut ‘to himself’]. He flung [JAS1] [JAS1]around to

face his sanctuary. Here, surrounded by tall bookcases full of classical tales with thick covers and pages that smelled faintly of must, he was home. He slammed the window shut and reached over to crank up his air conditioner. He hated autumn [and yearned] for the darkness of winter. With a practiced hand, he filled his teapot from the kettle, watching as the steam swirled through the air like magic. He warmed his pot and poured the used water down the drain before adding more water and his Earl Grey tea to the prized pot with the Pemberton Academy crest on its belly.

He put his timer on exactly six minutes and waited. His mind wandered to his boyhood. Back then, he recalled sitting at his window peering out into the night and seeing four girls flying across the Green, heads thrown back in laughter, racing toward the woods.

Overall, your writing is strong and I get a pretty clear mental picture of Headmaster Proctor, however, this beginning is a bit boring. Not to put too fine of a point on it. It would be interesting, say, if this were further into the story, but as an opening it doesn’t have the hook to make me really want to keep reading

Also, this feels very much like a prologue (am I right?), since it’s from the headmaster’s POV. I’m just not sure that teens are going to be able to relate to someone of his age (since you mention his mind wandering to his boyhood) telling a story about his younger self. It would be my suggestion that you cut this POV all together. It’s really hard to sell (And I’m using sell loosely. This would apply to finding an agent as well as an editor) a YA being told from an adult’s perspective because YA is all about the voice and this piece, like the majority of stories told from an adult perspective don’t have that YA voice (and they shouldn’t since they’re being told by an adult).

You mention the story is being told in 5 different perspectives and this sounds like an intriguing story, I have to question if you’re just starting in the wrong spot and with the wrong character (do you even really need Headmaster’s older POV at all?)

However, I am intrigued to know about who has been chosen and why. And how come this man knows about it. From your pitch, I can tell this is a story I would definitely want to keep reading, but I just don’t see it from these 250 words. I also enjoyed your descriptive phrases. They were very pretty and gave me an excellent sense of what I should be seeing.

LARISSA'S CRITIQUE:

The view from Headmaster Proctor’s [This name seems odd, and distracted me the first time I read it.] personal office was obstructed by a gnarled apple tree and thick ivy that grew up the brick walls outside weaving its way from one thing to the next. He pushed open the old paned window and smelled the sharp scent of the crabapples rotting in the sun. As always, he reached out to grab a fistful of ivy and flung it to the ground. A part of him was scared that it was going to suffocate him at night- that damn ivy. [Given that he hates/fears the ivy so much, why does he bother to grab a handful and throw it? It seems like a pointless activity. (This stands out because he’s a headmaster and lives in a world of musty books—he would seem to be a smart guy, yes? Smart guys tend not to do pointless things.)]

He took a deep breath. “They’ve been chosen,” he said to himself. [This is intriguing.] He flung [not sure this is the right word here] around to face his sanctuary. Here, surrounded by tall bookcases full of classical tales with thick covers and pages that smelled faintly of must[comma] he was home. He slammed the window shut and reached over to crank up his air conditioner. [“He was home” doesn’t flow with then slamming the window shut and hating autumn.] He hated autumn, yearning for the darkness of winter. With a practiced hand he filled his teapot from the kettle, watching as the steam swirled through the air like magic. He warmed his pot and poured the used water down the drain before adding more water and his Earl Grey tea to the prized pot with the Pemberton Academy crest on its belly. [This is confusing. Is it necessary?]

He put his timer on exactly six minutes and waited. His mind wandered to his boyhood. Back then, he recalled sitting at his window peering out into the night and seeing four girls flying across the Green, heads thrown back in laughter, racing toward the woods. [This is also intriguing.]

Hi Julie! So, from your pitch and description, I am interested in this story. However, your first 250 words don’t draw me in. If this is Eli’s story (which I am assuming from the title and description), why are we hearing from some old man first? Is this a prologue? (It sort of feels like one.) In other words, I am not convinced that this is the place to start your story. Since I haven’t read any more of it, I can’t say for sure, but I would suggest you should start with Eli. Also, I’m curious, why five points-of-view? Again, the story sounds interesting. Best of luck!

JESSIES CRITIQUE:

The view from Headmaster Proctor’s personal office was obstructed by a gnarled apple tree and thick ivy that grew up the brick walls outside, weaving its way from one thing to the next.[2] [1] He pushed open the old paned window and smelled the sharp scent of the crabapples rotting in the sun. As always, he reached out to grab a fistful of ivy and flung it to the ground. A part of him was scared it was going to suffocate him at night- that damned ivy.

He took a deep breath. “They’ve been chosen,” he said to himself. He flung[3] [2] around to face his sanctuary. Here, surrounded by tall bookcases full of classical tales with thick covers and pages that smelled faintly of must, he was home. He slammed the window shut and reached over to crank up his air conditioner. He hated autumn, yearning for the darkness of winter. With a practiced hand he filled his teapot from the kettle, watching as the steam swirled through the air like magic. He warmed his pot and poured the used water down the drain before adding more water and his Earl Grey tea [4] [3]to the prized pot with the Pemberton Academy crest on its belly.

He put his timer on exactly six minutes and waited. His mind wandered to his boyhood. Back then, he recalled sitting at his bedroom (?) window, peering out into the night and seeing four girls flying across the Green, heads thrown back in laughter, racing toward the woods.

the last sentence finally got my attention - that and “they’ve been chosen.” my problem with this is that you’re starting off a YA novel with an old man reflecting on his youth. I worry that teens won’t instantly connect with Proctor the way they should. IMO, since you’re telling this story from 5 alternating POVs, you ought to start with one that your target audience will connect with. Your writing itself is very strong, I just think you’ve picked the wrong starting point.

SHERI'S CRITIQUE

First 250:

The view from Headmaster Proctor’s personal office was obstructed by a gnarled apple tree. Thick ivy grew up the brick walls outside, weaving its way from one thing to the next. He pushed open the old paned window and grabbed a fistful of ivy. The sharp scent of crabapples rotting in the sun stung his nostrils. He flung the greenery to the ground, fearful it would suffocate him at night- damn ivy.

He took a deep breath. [sal5] [sal1]“They’ve been chosen,” he said to himself. He flung [sal6] [sal2]around to face his sanctuary. Here, surrounded by tall bookcases full of classical tales with thick covers and pages that smelled faintly of must, he was home. He slammed the window shut [sal7] [sal3]and reached over to crank up his air conditioner. He hated autumn, yearning for the darkness of winter. With a practiced hand, he filled his teapot from the kettle, watching as the steam swirled through the air like magic. He warmed his pot and poured the used water down the drain before adding more water and his Earl Grey tea to the prized pot with the Pemberton Academy crest on its belly.

He put his timer on exactly six minutes and waited. His mind wandered to his boyhood. Back then, he recalled sitting at his window peering out into the night and seeing four girls flying across the Green, heads thrown back in laughter, racing toward the woods.

Overall comment: try to eliminate a few of the ‘he’s.’

---

[JAS1]

[2]

very long first sentence

[3]

awkward w/c

[4]Would he take a breath if he smelled the sharp scent of rotting crabapples just before? Maybe insert that he closed the window.

[sal5]Just used above. Try a different word.

[sal6]Yeah, maybe move this up.

[sal7]

Whoseywhatsit Thursday: Crit Style

Hello you lovely Oasis Seekers!  I am soooo excited to be writing my first Oasis blogpost, and it's a super cool one.

First, how cool is WHOSEYWHATSIT THURSDAY?!  Right?  That was A.E.'s creation, and we all love it immensely.  Actually, just typing it makes me smile. :)  Thursdays will be a sort of whatever we come up with, whatever's going on kinda day, and I think Whoseywhatsit fits that perfectly.

In fact, on two Thursdays a month, it means an opportunity for you!  I have the privilege of announcing out new critique feature.  On the first Thursday of the month (technically that was last Thursday, but we were still on hiatus), we will post a call for volunteers.  We'll let you know what we're critting that month, and if you're interested, you can leave your name and email in the comments.  We will randomly choose a volunteer and email that person for their submission (whatever we've chosen to crit for the month).  Then we will post our critiques the following Thursday (the second Thursday of the month).

Okay, so, this month we are going to look at your first 250 words.  So, if you are interested in having all six of the Oasis Ladies critique your first 250 words, please let us know in the comments and be sure to leave your email.  We will choose one person at noon on Sunday, and you will have 24 hours to email us your submission.  We will post our crits next week (Please note, if the critiques get too lengthy, we reserve the right to condense them for posting purposes).

In addition, a bloggerly friend of ours, Ebyss, is having a contest to win a first chapter/ten-page crit from all of us, so head over there and check it out.

So, lots of opportunities for crits from us!  Yay! Oh, and I posted a little About Me on my blog Tuesday, in case you want to get to know me a little better.  Please stop by and say hi!

Okay, sign up for the 250-word crit in the comments, and tell us about a great crit experience you've had. :)

Critique Contest WINNER!

No, we didn't forget about you! We finally have the winner for the critique contest we held two weeks ago. The lucky person was given the opportunity to have ALL 5 of us critique either their query letter or first chapter of their manuscript. That's like getting 5 new critique partners in one fell swoop!

We had over 67 people entry, many who tweeted and posted about the contest on their blog. Thanks to Random.org (and my awesome excel capabilities) we have a winner.

Congrats to Lindsey Loucks who asked for a First Chapter critique.

Thanks to everyone who entered and I'm sure we'll have another one soon :)

MONDAY SANCTUARY: Mulling Over Advice

Having your manuscript critiqued is an important part of the process to publication. And it will be critiqued several times over. By your CPs. By your beta readers. By potential agents. By potential editors.

So how do you handle the critiques? I used to dread them. I used to start shaking when I'd stare at the comments section and see over one hundred line items. My heart would race as I'd see things like "I don't like this character" or "This really slowed down for me."

And, then I turned my thought process around. Now I love a good critique. Because, ultimately, a critique is helpful advice. It isn't putting down your work, it's helping you to improve it. It's helping you catch things that you didn't notice when you were in the thick of writing and buried in your own words.

Does that mean you have to take every piece of advice you receive? Absolutely not. In fact, I highly urge you to read the advice, and then walk away for a bit. Don't open your manuscript and start making changes. Mull over the advice for a bit. Take a few deep breaths. And think it all through. The good and the bad! You may have seen some advice and thought "Yes! That's it! That's a great way to rewrite that paragraph." But, ask yourself if it fits with your overall theme and voice. Ask yourself what other changes this will result in.

After you've contemplated the advice, then open your document and revise. Take the parts that work, and ignore the parts that don't. And always remember ...

It's your manuscript.

MONDAY CRITIQUE: SoulCatcher

I'm hijacking our Monday Sanctuary to let you know that we're going to be interspersing some critiques throughout the upcoming weeks. Critiques are an amazing way to learn - when you receive them, when you give them, and even just reading comments that others have made!

I offered to take the plunge and provided a page from the second chapter of my WIP. Feel free to read everyone's thoughts, and jump in with your own in the comments. Thanks in advance :)

Quick synopsis: Seventeen-year-old Trinity thinks nothing of the simple gold locket she inherited from her grandmother’s estate - until she slips it around her neck and dreams of the mysterious, dark haired boy whose picture is held within. Now she must find a way to get him out, with his soul in tact.

Quick note about this text: This is Chapter 2 and the first time Trinity dreams with the locket on. My concern with this specific piece is that I tend to have more difficulty writing descriptions than actions, so I want to see if the writing is vivid but still moves you forward. I need to ground the reader in Central Park.

Segment:
I knew I was dreaming - but everything felt vivid and lucid.

I walked down a path shrouded in trees. Moonlight illuminated the trail before me, pulling me forward with fingers of ice blue tint. Trees lined the walkway, dusted in fog. The air was crisp, the sharp scent of grass and dirt filled my nose. Leaves drifted and settled on the ground, crunching under my feet as I moved forward. I walked softly, reverently. It was the only sound I heard.

The path opened up into a clearing and I recognized Cherry Hill Fountain, a landmark in Central Park. The frosted glass globes hovering above the fountain were lit, further brightening the area. I stepped around and gazed at the surface of the lake stretching out beyond, trying to detect even the faintest ripple. I’d never once seen it this calm and flat. A part of me itched to grab a stone and plunk it as far as I could, to watch the small circular waves travel outward. I crouched down and searched for a rock, my hands skittering along the stone surface.

A rustling sound raced through the trees behind me and I jumped upright, whipping my head around. My body followed a second behind and I squinted in the direction of the noise, my eyes focusing on an animal that came darting out. A cat, jet black, blacker than the surrounding shadows, streaked across the ground and behind the fountain before it disappeared on the other side.

I placed my palm flat on my throbbing chest and tried to calm down.

“Othello, where are you going?”

I whirled at the male voice erupting from the direction the cat had just appeared. A moment later someone began stepping out of the trees. First a pair of dark shoes peeked through the dark leaves and branches, then gray pants, a dark v-neck sweater with a shirt underneath, and my gaze finally settled on his face. Recognition settled over me and my eyes widened involuntarily.

It was the guy in the locket.

Critiques: