MONDAY CRITIQUE: SoulCatcher

I'm hijacking our Monday Sanctuary to let you know that we're going to be interspersing some critiques throughout the upcoming weeks. Critiques are an amazing way to learn - when you receive them, when you give them, and even just reading comments that others have made!

I offered to take the plunge and provided a page from the second chapter of my WIP. Feel free to read everyone's thoughts, and jump in with your own in the comments. Thanks in advance :)

Quick synopsis: Seventeen-year-old Trinity thinks nothing of the simple gold locket she inherited from her grandmother’s estate - until she slips it around her neck and dreams of the mysterious, dark haired boy whose picture is held within. Now she must find a way to get him out, with his soul in tact.

Quick note about this text: This is Chapter 2 and the first time Trinity dreams with the locket on. My concern with this specific piece is that I tend to have more difficulty writing descriptions than actions, so I want to see if the writing is vivid but still moves you forward. I need to ground the reader in Central Park.

Segment:
I knew I was dreaming - but everything felt vivid and lucid.

I walked down a path shrouded in trees. Moonlight illuminated the trail before me, pulling me forward with fingers of ice blue tint. Trees lined the walkway, dusted in fog. The air was crisp, the sharp scent of grass and dirt filled my nose. Leaves drifted and settled on the ground, crunching under my feet as I moved forward. I walked softly, reverently. It was the only sound I heard.

The path opened up into a clearing and I recognized Cherry Hill Fountain, a landmark in Central Park. The frosted glass globes hovering above the fountain were lit, further brightening the area. I stepped around and gazed at the surface of the lake stretching out beyond, trying to detect even the faintest ripple. I’d never once seen it this calm and flat. A part of me itched to grab a stone and plunk it as far as I could, to watch the small circular waves travel outward. I crouched down and searched for a rock, my hands skittering along the stone surface.

A rustling sound raced through the trees behind me and I jumped upright, whipping my head around. My body followed a second behind and I squinted in the direction of the noise, my eyes focusing on an animal that came darting out. A cat, jet black, blacker than the surrounding shadows, streaked across the ground and behind the fountain before it disappeared on the other side.

I placed my palm flat on my throbbing chest and tried to calm down.

“Othello, where are you going?”

I whirled at the male voice erupting from the direction the cat had just appeared. A moment later someone began stepping out of the trees. First a pair of dark shoes peeked through the dark leaves and branches, then gray pants, a dark v-neck sweater with a shirt underneath, and my gaze finally settled on his face. Recognition settled over me and my eyes widened involuntarily.

It was the guy in the locket.

Critiques:

AE's Critique:
I am not a fan of 'feel', or 'felt'. It puts distance between your reader and your character, and then you end up describing, rather than showing. In the first line I would use something like: 'but the hues were vivid, my thoughts so clear'... I'm sure you can come up with something much better. While on the show/tell path, words like 'illuminated' and 'further brightening' give it a "telling" feel, for me, and I wished there were more "showing."

"Tress lined the walkway, dusted in fog." Lovely! This is such a pretty image to picture.

I would recommend changing this: A moment later someone began stepping out of the trees to something more definitive. My editor always cracked me on phrases with 'began', "Either they did, or they didn't." I would have them step out, then have her gaze trail from his feet to his face. It will give the same feel, without the imperfect sense of 'began'.

All in all, pretty good! I'd like to see what happens next.

Jessie's Critique:
I knew I was dreaming - but everything felt vivid and lucid.

I walked down a path shrouded in trees. Moonlight illuminated the trail before me, pulling me forward with ice blue fingers of ice blue tint. Trees lined the walkway, dusted in fog. The air was crisp, the sharp scent of grass and dirt filled my nose. [‘filling my nose’ is a phrase that’s always bothered me unless we’re talking about water-intrusion. Could you just say: The air was crisp with the sharp scent of grass and dirt.] Leaves drifted and settled on the ground, crunching under my feet as I moved forward. I walked softly, reverently. It was the only sound I heard.

The path opened up into a clearing and I recognized Cherry Hill Fountain, a landmark in Central Park. The frosted glass globes hovering above the fountain were lit, further brightening the area. [“hovering” is a problem word for me. I’d never seen CHF and didn’t know what you were describing until I pulled up an internet picture. Hovering makes it sound like they were somehow suspended like chinese lanterns.] I stepped around and gazed at the surface of the lake stretching out beyond, trying to detect even the faintest ripple. I’d never once seen it this calm and flat. A part of me itched to grab a stone and plunk it as far as I could, to watch the small circular waves travel outward. I crouched down and searched for a rock, my hands skittering along the stoney surface.

A rustling sound raced through the trees behind me and I jumped upright, whipping my head around. My body followed a second behind and I squinted in the direction of the noise, my eyes focusing on an animal that came darting out. A cat, jet black, blacker darker than the surrounding shadows, streaked across the ground and behind the fountain before it disappeared on the other side.

I placed my palm flat onagainst my throbbing chest and tried to calm down [can you show ‘calm down’ in someway like “and took deep, steadying breaths.”].

“Othello, where are you going?”

I whirled at tThe male voice eruptinged from the direction the cat had just appeared. A moment later someone began stepping out of the trees. First a pair of dark shoes peeked through the dark leaves and branches, then gray pants, a dark v-neck sweater with a [collared? - I at first pictured a white t-shirt like my hubby wears today] shirt underneath., Asand my gaze finally settled on his face,. Recognition settled over me and mmy eyes widened involuntarily.

It was the guy in the locket.

I very much like this passage and these edits are absolutely as picky as I am capable of. My main suggestion is honing down the words a tad to keep the pace moving. By cutting extraneous words that don’t add to the setting, you’ll keep us moving through it.


Sheri's Critique:
I knew I was dreaming - but everything felt vivid and lucid [What felt vivid an lucid? Maybe add a description].

I walked down a path shrouded in trees. Moonlight illuminated the trail before me, pulling me forward with fingers of ice blue tint. Tress lined the walkway, dusted in fog. The air was crisp, the sharp scent of grass and dirt filled my nose. Leaves drifted and settled on the ground, crunching under my feet as I moved forward. I walked softly, reverently. It was the only sound I heard.

The path opened up into a clearing and I recognized Cherry Hill Fountain, a landmark in Central Park. The frosted glass globes hovering above the fountain were lit, further brightening the area. I stepped around and gazed at the surface of the lake stretching out beyond, trying to detect even the faintest ripple. I’d never once seen it this calm and flat. A part of me itched to grab a stone and plunk it as far as I could, to watch the small circular waves travel outward [I like the inner feeling here.]. I crouched down and searched for a rock, my hands skittering along the stone surface.

A rustling sound raced through the trees behind me and I jumped upright, whipping my head around. My body followed a second behind and I squinted in the direction of the noise [I think this is understood.], my eyes focusing on an animal that came darting out. A cat, jet black, blacker than the surrounding shadows [Again, just a suggestion: maybe eliminate using the word ‘animal’. May add suspense for a moment. Describe what her eyes saw by using part of the next sentence— focusing on a dense shade that pulled from the surrounding shadows], streaked across the ground and behind the fountain before it disappeareding on the other side.

I placed my palm flat on my throbbing chest and tried to calm down.

“Othello, where are you going?”

I whirled at the male voice erupting [This is really strong. Not sure if that’s what you’re going for. Because just after, you mention ‘began stepping’. That seems much more laidback.] from the direction the cat had just appeared. A moment later someone began stepping out of the trees. First a pair of dark shoes peeked through the dark leaves and branches, then gray pants, a dark v-neck sweater with a shirt underneath, and my gaze finally settled on his face. Recognition settled over me and my eyes widened involuntarily.

It was the guy in the locket. [Ooh, what’s next???]