Critiquing the Query

Critiquing the query.  Sort of sounds like "romancing the stone."  And yes, that's a pretty random comparison, but it IS Whoseywhatsit Thursday after all.  If I can't be random today, then pretty much all randomness has got to be out.

* Note: I have never actually seen this movie *

Today, a brave soul who shall not remain nameless (ahem, Jennifer Hartsock) has shared her query with the "Oasis Sisters" (as we like to refer to ourselves) and we are offering up our feedback. We had LOTS more feedback to offer Jennifer and we sent ALL of our comments to her.  (If you win one of our crit contests, we'll do the same for you too.)  But, in the interest of blog space (and reader fatigue), we're posting a more condensed version of our critiques -- just to give you a flavor.  Our comments all appear in red.

If you have any other thoughts to add, I'm sure Jennifer would love to hear them.  What did you think?  Do our suggestions work?  Or are we off-base?

ORIGINAL QUERY:

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

I’m seeking representation for my 62,000 word YA novel, Battleground, which portrays the real and sometimes harsh realities of growing up in today’s society.

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God, until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. Lilly is determined to reform him, but doesn’t expect to fall in love. Parker unveils kinks in her faith, but as their relationship grows, he is unexpectedly influenced by her kind heart. When Parker is arrested for possession and sent to a boarding school, Lilly loses faith, and now, she can’t figure out where she stands with God. Is Parker’s fate in his own hands, or bound to his own conflicted destiny? When Parker is released early, he seems to slip further into the arms of trouble. Now, Lilly must decide where her faith truly lies; in intriguing though destructive relationship, or rediscovering faith, love and identity for herself.

I received first place for the Elli Writes Monthly Writing Contest in August of 2011. While earning my B.A. in English and minor in business, I work as an English tutor for the community college, as well as opinion editor of the college’s weekly student newspaper, The Commuter. I offer critique and editorial services, and have edited fiction and short stories for publication. I am a member of the non-profit organization YALITCHAT, and maintain a writer’s blog.

Thank you for considering Battleground to add to your list of books.

Sincerely,

Jennifer M. Hartsock

JESSICA’S CRITIQUE (Jess had the most to say, so I'm starting with her - the rest of our critiques are condensed.)

Hi Jennifer!  Thanks for sharing your query with us for critique. My comments will be in red. 

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

I’m seeking representation for my 62,000 word YA novel, Battleground, which portrays the real and sometimes harsh realities of growing up in today’s society.  Starting off with this is fine, I know my agent prefers to have this sentence first, but bare in mind that some prefer for this sentence to be below the synopsis.  Also, I think you should be a bit more revealing on your genre here. It’s YA and it sounds like a contemporary romance from this sentence, but when you read further it seems very much an Inspirational read. Also, I'd really like to see more about what makes this story unique.  Realities of growing up is very broad.  How about mentioning what sets it apart?  In your case, I'd say the religious explorations of the main character. Since that is such a specialized genre and not everyone can sell to that market you’ll want to state that up front and probably target only agents/publishers that work and have contacts in that genre. And that leads to this would be a great place to put the specific personal reason(s) you queried this agent.

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God, until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. I haven’t read your story, so I don’t what your voice sounds like, which could be a problem for you when you query because some agents only want the query, which means the voice has to come through in the query. This also sounds a bit “textbook” instead of hooky. Some questions to consider: How would Lilly tell a story about herself?  Where's the voice?  Can you think of someway to pep this up? Lilly is determined to reform him, but doesn’t expect to fall in love. Parker unveils kinks in her faith, but as their relationship grows, he is unexpectedly influenced by her kind heart. When Parker is arrested for possession and sent to a boarding school, Lilly loses faith, and now, she can’t figure out where she stands with God. Is Parker’s fate in his own hands, or bound to his own conflicted destiny? When Parker is released early, he seems to slip further into the arms of trouble. Now, Lilly must decide where her faith truly lies; in intriguing though destructive relationship, or rediscovering faith, love and identity for herself.

You’ve definitely done a great job of synopsizing (is that a word? LOL) the story, but it’s missing that “wow factor.”  And I don’t know what’s at stake for Lilly.  I don’t feel like I care enough about what’s happening to want to read the story. So basically I want to know What's at risk for Lilly?  I understand 

she's exploring her relationship with God, and that until now it’s never been an issue of what it is, but that's more of a theme than a plot.  At the end of this paragraph, I want to know what's at risk for her.  If she chooses Parker, will she become self-destructive as well? If she chooses God, does she lose Parker? Also, I kinda wonder why she can’t have both. What kinks does Parker share with her, that would make her question her faith and also why can’t she be with him if she believes in God?

Something to consider when thinking about this is something my CP said to me:  “The stakes in a romance don't have to be the fate of the world, but

there needs to be something to lose or no one will invest in the outcome.”

I received first place for the Elli Writes Monthly Writing Contest in August of 2011. While earning my B.A. in English and minor in business, I work as an English tutor for the community college, as well as opinion editor of the college’s weekly student newspaper, The Commuter. I offer critique and editorial services, and have edited fiction and short stories for publication. I am a member of the non-profit organization YALITCHAT, and maintain a writer’s blog.

Thank you for considering Battleground to add to your list of books.

And now onto the credit section… Not all of these are going to be something an agent is going to care about and since their time is very limited we need to make this as succinct and simple as possible.  If this were my bio paragraph, it would read something like this:

“I am currently pursuing a B.A. in English at fill-in-the-blank college, where I also serve as the opinion editor of the student newspaper.  I am an active member of YALITCHAT.  (This may or may not be considered a credit depending on the agent. Just as an FYI.)

I look forward to hearing from you.”

Don't be ashamed of not having credits.  I didn’t when I found my agent and it didn’t matter one way or the other. Everyone has to start somewhere

ANN’S CRITIQUE

I’m seeking representation for my 62,000 word YA novel, Battleground, which portrays the real and sometimes harsh realities of growing up in today’s society. (Well worded, but doesn't really say anything about the STORY, just the concept. This sentence needs to be a hook to get the agent to want to read more. I recommend trying to employ some form of Nathan Bransford's Pitch Formula, which is:The OPENING CONFLICT happens to the MAIN CHARACTER, they have to OVERCOME THE CONFLICT to COMPLETE THE QUEST. )

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God, until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. (I'm not familiar with religious contemporary stories, but this feels...dry to me. I know a novel is difficult to boil down to a paragraph, but you have to make it intriguing enough to maintain interest.) Lilly is determined to reform him, but doesn’t expect to fall in love. Parker unveils kinks in her faith (how does he do this?), but as their relationship grows, he is unexpectedly influenced by her kind heart. When Parker is arrested for possession and sent to a boarding school, Lilly loses faith (why does she?), and now, she can’t figure out where she stands with God. Is Parker’s fate in his own hands, or bound to his own conflicted destiny? When Parker is released early, he seems to slip further into the arms of trouble. Now, Lilly must decide where her faith truly lies; in an intriguing though destructive relationship, or rediscovering faith, love and identity for herself. (I feel like I've only gotten bare bones, and NOT what would cause a girl of such faith to lose it. I suggest amping that angle up for the needed intrigue.)

NIKKI’S CRITIQUE

Overall thoughts:

* For some reason this query felt very clinical to me. There wasn't any kind of voice for the characters. I realize it's religious in nature, but it almost seems like the book would be very "preachy" based on the query.

* If I understand the premise ... good girl meets bad boy and wants to convert him. Bad boy breaks holes in good girl's staunch "good" beliefs. Bad boy gets in trouble. Good girl must face whether she truly is good.  If so, it seems a very overdone premise.  Which is fine, but you have to make sure yours is unique enough. What makes your book original?  That's what you'll want to showcase in your query.  Are there paranormal elements?  Is there an amazing voice (if so, show it)?  Show what differentiates your novel from others out there.

JESSIE’S CRITIQUE:

I’m seeking representation for my 62,000 word YA novel, Battleground, which portrays the real and sometimes harsh realities of growing up in today’s society. [Two things. 1 - I’m not sure this description does your storyline justice. 2 - maybe just a personal preference, but I prefer to see this summary paragraph btwn the detailed description and your credentials. provides a natural transition/break, IMO]

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God, until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. Lilly is determined to reform him, but doesn’t expect to fall in love. Parker unveils kinks in her faith, but as their relationship grows, he is unexpectedly influenced by her kind heart. [does this mean he is drawn to  her faith, or just softens up around the edges? a little vague]  

[suggest paragraph break here]

LARISSA’S CRITIQUE

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God, until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist. Lilly is determined to reform him [why? Does she feel a connection to him, feel it’s her job as a Christian, does the Holy Spirit move her, ?], but doesn’t expect to fall in love [This may come a bit too soon.  Maybe just “doesn’t expect to discover feelings for him” or something like that?]. Parker unveils kinks in her faith, but as their relationship grows, he is unexpectedly influenced by her kind heart. [I’m wondering about the juxtaposition of the sentences here.  Parker is influenced by her kind heart, but in the next sentence he’s getting arrested for possession… I don’t know.  It may be okay, but think about separating them.] When Parker is arrested for possession and sent to a boarding school, [military school?  Juvie? Boarding school sounds too luxe.] Lilly loses faith, and now, she [cut “now, she”] can’t figure out where she stands with God. Is Parker’s fate in his own hands, or bound to his own conflicted destiny? [This confuses me a bit. Can you reword this?  Also, I get that a boyfriend moving away is devastating, but I wonder about Lilly as a character if this makes her question her faith.  Especially when Parker actually did something wrong.] When Parker is released early, he seems to [cut “seems to”] slip further into the arms of trouble. Now, Lilly must decide where her faith truly lies; in [an] intriguing though destructive relationship, or rediscovering faith, love and identity [maybe reverse love and identity so that we understand it is love for herself she is rediscovering] for herself.

SHERI’S CRITIQUE

I’m seeking representation for my 62,000 word YA novel, Battleground, which portrays the real and sometimes harsh realities of growing up in today’s society. I know some agents like this info up front, while others prefer to dive into your story. Just do your research before sending to individual agents.

Sixteen-year-old Lilly Dawson has always been best friends with God. That is until she meets Gabriel Parker, an intriguing, yet self-destructive atheist.