Today we're doing a Query Critique for Sheri's manuscript, Marked Beauty. First we'll show the original query and then our critiques/edits. Hopefully this will help in your quest for the perfect query, and feel free to share your thoughts and edits in the comments below!
Original Query:
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for MARKED BEAUTY, a paranormal romance for young adults complete at 85,000 words. I see from your website that you are interested in fresh, new authors with a strong work ethic and hook. I feel the unique world-building in this story will interest you.
16 Year Old Ana Tate is a tenacious tomboy, yet her harrowing blue eyes hold pain and isolating secrets. She’s a strong empath, forced to feel the emotions of others…all emotions except her own. And with living in the shadow of her mother’s abandonment and her firefighter father’s depression, keeping her feelings buried is fine with her.
That is until the yuppie Viktor Castle enters her world. His haughty stares taunt her, hinting he knows about her hidden talent. He ignites her personal pain, and yet he’s nothing but a blank emotional canvas. And worse, she develops an odd attraction to him that she can’t fend off. The closer they become, the more distant he seems, and the stronger her empath grows pushing her to look at herself. But all is not as it seems.
When Viktor’s freakish, self-proclaimed girlfriend takes a creepy interest in Ana, and he disappears, Ana finds herself the center of a hidden world where lycans and countless immortal species roam as she’s entwined in an ancient curse that hungers for her gift, her life…and her sanity. Ana must embrace her abilities, let herself feel for the first time admitting she cares for Viktor, and uncover the truth of why they need each other before he sacrifices himself to the curse in her place.
Spiced with the allure of Pride and Prejudice, and Phantom of the Opera, this story should appeal to fans of Ellen Schreiber and Annette Curtis Klause as love washes away stubborn pride and fears beyond the realms of an invisible world and a feisty girl who swore she’d never fall in love.
I am a member of SCBWI, the Maine Writers & Publishers Alliance, and YAlitchat.
I have included my first five pages as requested. The manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Jessie's Critique:
[My main suggestions all involve finding ways to shorten this. Clipping words and phrases will make it tighter and more succinct. Also, in your personal paragraphs, see if there’s a way not to start every sentence with “I.”]
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for MARKED BEAUTY, a YA paranormal romance complete at 85,000 words. I see from your website that you are interested in fresh, new authors with a strong work ethic and hook. I feel the unique world-building in this story will interest you. [This is probably more personal preference than anything, but I prefer starting with a hook and saving this wrap-up paragraph for closer toward the end.]
Sixteen year old Ana Tate is a tenacious tomboy, with a big secret. She’s an empath, forced to feel the emotions of others…all emotions except her own[I’m not really sure what this means. was she not FORCED to feel her own emotions, or could she NOT feel them if she tried?]. But since her mother ran off and her father just sulks around depressed, Ana’s fine with keeping her feelings buried i.
That is until the yuppie [WC?] Viktor Castle enters her world. He ignites her her own emotions, and yet he’s nothing but a blank emotional canvas. And worse, she develops an odd attraction to him that she can’t fend off. The closer they become, the more distant he seems, and the stronger her empathic powers grow.
When Viktor disappears, Ana finds herself the center of a hidden world where lycans and countless immortal species roam. As she’s entwined in an ancient curse that hungers for her gift, Ana must embrace her abilities and let herself feel for the first time, if she has any hope of breaking the curse. But once Ana admits her feelings -- including that she cares for Viktor, -- she quickly realizes she must uncover the truth of why they need each other before he sacrifices himself to the curse in her place.
Spiced with the allure of Pride and Prejudice and Phantom of the Opera, this story should appeal to fans of Ellen Schreiber and Annette Curtis Klause, [I wouldn’t use both books and authors to compare to] as love washes away stubborn pride and fears in a feisty girl who swore she’d never fall in love.
I am a member of SCBWI, the Maine Writers & Publishers Alliance, and YAlitchat.My first five pages are enclosed. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Nikki's Critique:
[I agree with Jessie about tightening it up and dropping some of the adjectives. Here are some other options I considered in word choices, etc.] Edited text:
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for MARKED BEAUTY, a paranormal romance for young adults complete at 85,000 words. I see from your website that you are interested in fresh, new authors with a strong work ethic and hook. I feel the unique world-building in this story will interest you.
Sixteen year old Ana Tate is a tenacious tomboy hiding pain and isolating secrets. She’s a strong empath, forced to feel the emotions of others…all emotions except her own. Since she lives in the shadow of her mother’s abandonment and her firefighter father’s depression, keeping her feelings buried is fine with her.
That is until the yuppie Viktor Castle enters her world. He ignites her personal pain, and yet he’s nothing but a blank emotional canvas. And worse, she develops an odd attraction to him that she can’t fend off. The closer they become, the more distant he seems, and the stronger her empath grows.
When Viktor disappears, Ana becomes the center of a hidden world where lycans and countless immortal species roam. She’s entwined in an ancient curse that hungers for her gift, her life ... and her sanity. Ana must embrace her abilities, admit she cares for Viktor, and uncover the truth of why they need each other, all before he sacrifices himself to the curse in her place.
Spiced with the allure of Pride and Prejudice, and Phantom of the Opera, this story should appeal to fans of Ellen Schreiber and Annette Curtis Klause as love washes away stubborn pride and fears beyond the realms of an invisible world and a feisty girl who swore she’d never fall in love.
I am a member of SCBWI, the Maine Writers & Publishers Alliance, and YALitChat.
I have included my first five pages as requested. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for MARKED BEAUTY, a paranormal romance for young adults complete at 85,000 words. I see from your website that you are interested in fresh, new authors with a strong work ethic and hook. I feel the unique world-building in this story will interest you. [I’m not sure what unique world-building has to do with a strong work ethic. ]
16-year-old Ana Tate is a tenacious tomboy, yet her harrowing blue eyes hold pain and isolating secrets [Her EYES hold the pain? I’m confused. Maybe: “…but she has a terrifying secret.”] She’s a strong empath, forced to feel the emotions of others…all emotions except her own. [So, she CAN’T feel her own emotions, or she’s not allowed to? Maybe say: “She a strong empath, forced to feel the emotions of others, and hide her own.” But then I want to know WHY she has to hide her emotions.]
Though, with having to live in the shadow of her mother’s abandonment and dealing with her firefighter father’s depression, keeping her feelings buried is fine with her.
That is until the yuppie Viktor Castle enters her world. His haughty stares taunt her, hinting he knows about her hidden talent. He ignites her personal pain[How?], and yet he’s nothing but a blank emotional canvas. And worse, she develops an odd attraction for him she can’t fend off. The closer they [If he’s becoming more distant, wouldn’t it be only she who grows closer to him?] become, the more distant he seems, and the stronger her empath grows pushing her to look at herself. But all is not as it seems.
When Viktor’s freakish, self-proclaimed [???] girlfriend takes a creepy interest in Ana, and [Who? Viktor?] he disappears, Ana finds herself the center of a hidden world where lycans and countless immortal species roam as she’s entwined in an ancient curse that hungers for her gift, her life…and her sanity. Ana must embrace her abilities, let herself feel for the first time by admitting she cares for Viktor, and uncover the truth of why they need each other before he sacrifices himself to the curse in her place.
Spiced with the allure of Pride and Prejudice, and Phantom of the Opera, this story should appeal to fans of Ellen Schreiber and Annette Curtis Klause as love washes away stubborn pride and fears beyond the realms of an invisible world and a feisty girl who swore she’d never fall in love.
I am a member of SCBWI, the Maine Writers & Publishers Alliance, and YAlitchat. [I’ve been told time and again, not to include this as it holds no real sway like SCBWI and RWA and the others.]
Per your request, I have included my first five pages. Thank you for your time and consideration.
AE's Rewrite:
16 year-old tomboy Ana Tate buries her feelings behind her empathic abilities. That is, until the enigmatic Viktor Castle enters her world.
Viktor ignites her personal pain, and yet he‚s nothing but a blank emotional canvas. The closer they become, the more distant he seems, and the stronger her empathic abilities grow. Ana is forced to look inside, and all is not as it seems. Viktor disappears and his freakish, self-proclaimed girlfriend takes a creepy interest in Ana. She's sucked into a hidden world of lycans and countless immortal species, a world where she‚s entwined in an ancient curse that hungers for her gift, her life...and her sanity.
Ana learns to embrace her abilities, and admit her feelings for Viktor. Together they must uncover the truth of why they need each other before he sacrifices himself to the curse in her place.
MARKED BEAUTY is the story of love washing away stubborn pride and fears beyond the realms of an invisible world Spiced with the allure of Pride and Prejudice, and darker tones of Phantom of the Opera, this story should appeal to fans of Ellen Schreiber and Annette Curtis Klause.
I am seeking representation for MARKED BEAUTY, a paranormal romance for young adults complete at 85,000 words. According to your website, you are interested in fresh, new authors with a strong work ethic and hook. I am a member of SCBWI, the Maine Writers & Publishers Alliance, and YAlitchat. The first five pages of MARKED BEAUTY are included as requested. The manuscript is available upon your request.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
No comments:
Post a Comment
Breaths that matter...